5 Steps to SuperMommy Status

Get out your pencils and notepads!!

From my years of experience in motherhood, allow me to share with you the

5 Steps to "SuperMommy" Status*

* Please do not allow this posting to intimidate you.

Just praise the good Lord you came across this blog.

Step 1

feed your children a sufficient breakfast, full of every variety of grain and fruit so that they do not pull up a chair to the counter 30 minutes after breakfast, snatch a muffin that was under wraps and proceed to run past you at lightening fast speed, careful not to make eye contact in order to avoid be caught stealing food. Cereal and milk are simply not enough. Especially when (and I've only heard of this happening from other inexperienced mothers) half the Cheerios never make it into the mouth, but rather lay waiting on the floor for the ants to come marching one by one.

Always

Step 2

In the hours between breakfast and lunch, you should always engage the children in deep, rigorous yet fun educational activities. For example, make play clothes out of your draperies, perhaps a hair kerchief or two for the little ladies, and take them out for a fun, frolicking run along the streets where you live, and teach them all the notes in a chord...perhaps through singing them.

I know. I know. It's brilliant. SO original.

Where do I come UP with this stuff???

Well, I must admit, the visions I have at night serve me well.

Step 3

Always look your personal best. Always.

Do not wear the clothing, even if only one article (such as leggings), you've been wearing for two days straight. It is unbecoming to a lady. And just downright disgusting.

In fact, I suggest having yourself and the children fully dressed, every single day of the week, before descending upon the breakfast table. Be sure, if wearing footwear, that they cast a delicate air about your feet, coordinating with whatever else you might be wearing.

Step 4

If you have a child who, shall we say, has been endowed with energy beyond her years or frame, encourage her to use it by signing her up for rock climbing classes or allowing her a full range of motion at all times during awake periods. In addition, present to her toys that challenge and stimulate her developing little brain.

Step 5

If and when there is a quiet that descends upon your home, and it seems unnatural, follow your instinct. Investigate immediately. Do not be lazy. Do not allow the thought "at least it's quiet. I'll deal with the poop on the walls later if I must" to get the least little foothold in your mind. A "friend" of mine sent me this picture....look at the disaster "she" discovered this afternoon when her 3 and 2 year old were left to their own devices in the sister's room. An old beach bag was had upon, and in the aftermath there were lollipop carcasses laying about, opened bottles of suntan lotion and (gasp!) nailpolish that had not only been applied to the entire toe and finger area's of the little girl, but also a fat round circle of it painted directly onto the carpet. For shame!!! (she says the $5 bill laying there was a bit of a lift, but really...can you imagine???)

If and when you apply these simple 5 steps, it will leave you with children that are happy beyond compare and with relatively little to no fighting or friction within the walls of your home.

You're welcome.