An Open Screen Door

***Fair Warning***

This is a longer post than average. It is a story that has been brewing in my heart and it is a story that will make best sense to those who walk with God. I do not say this to infer that this is exclusive to those who do, but rather to help establish expectations! If you desire a lighter blend...well, that's for another day. You know there is plenty of that here at the Coffee Cottage!

****

She sat down across from him, her legs feeling sticky against the baby blue vinyl of the booth, her heart pulsating at a speed meant for a race course. This is the man they told her about, the one they said she must meet, and when he asks her out, she would be remiss not to accept. {Besides, he might be the last chance for marriage. She did not want to continue living life alone.}

Dinner went well. Better than well, actually. There was deep and genuine interest in every crease and crinkle of his eyes. In point after point of conversation, there was an instant understanding, even empathy, to what came pouring out of her heart across the table. It was as though he had held a front row seat to her life from the start. Midway through the meal, she barely noticed the clingy vinyl and the beat of her heart resumed it's normal pattern, except with a slight undercurrent of buoyancy. He walked, she floated out of the restaurant. This was right. This was good. Something in their worlds has righted itself upon meeting each other. A few short months later, they publicly declared their love and commitment to one another. With great zest and zeal they began their combined life's adventures, confident they could conquer all and any odds that might be stacked against them.

***

Her nails clicked against the granite counter top, as if methodically playing her imaginary accordion. She just got off the phone with Mary Jane and was not quite sure what to make of the conversation, although she couldn't pinpoint why. Any seed of doubt was quickly buried, as MJ had been a faithful wife to her husband for more than 40 years, and the confidence with which she spoke was reassuring. MJ wasn't the only one to call her regarding this subject either. There were many sincere souls who had approached her, lending their 'wisdom' to this newly wedded woman whose fingernails were clacking at a quickening speed as she mused. With the culmination of years in faithful service to their husbands, she could hardly second guess their counsel.

Yes, she decided, they were right.

Several weeks before she had even met her husband, the friend who set them up gave her a copy of his published autobiography. You see, her new husband was a tad...accomplished. Yet as accomplished as his life already was, he was so genuinely passionate about continuing his amazing adventures with her. With him, she felt so securely loved, she couldn't help but love even the grumpy grocery store clerk who moved with the speed of old molasses.

But now, she had been told that it would be a good idea to reread her husband's book, even if just a little every day to get to know him better. Additionally, it would make him feel important, and if a wife is to do anything, it's make her man feel important. It was 'suggested' the best time to do so would be early morning. Additionally, there was a local book club that met weekly to discuss his book and since she was his wife, well, it would only be right to show up and participate! She really did enjoy recalling all of his adventures and subsequent life lessons from them, so this would not be hard!. She thought of the warm hugs of approval from the ladies when she would share with them how faithfully she had carried out their advice. Yes, this would be the right way to start her marriage!

Her visions of faithful service to her husband and his book materialized in the spring and summer of their marriage. She was lauded and applauded, admired and approved by the women who came before her and behind. It gave her a sturdy sense of security, as if carrying an imaginary purse on the opposite shoulder of her actual (quite heavy) one on the other.

As the years passed, she could spit out line after line out of her man's published history. As she passed by the scenic wall calendar hanging from a rusty nail on her kitchen wall, she paused to review her week, pleased to see it filled up with various book clubs that met to discuss the book...and when she wasn't there, or sucked up in the whirlwind that is a career in retail, she spent time with the ladies of the book club in their various homes. She had time for little (or anyone) else, except those she tried to recruit to her book clubs. It got harder and harder to find people who wanted to join, especially since it had long past been a 'best-seller' and it's "fans" generally kept to themselves, with the exception of recruitment naturally.

Although that first date seemed a lifetime ago, she was still glad to be married. He was as faithful, loving and attentive has he had ever been. Yet somehow, for all ways in which she had devoted more waking hours analyzing every word he had lovingly penned, she felt deeply disconnected from him. It disturbed the deepest parts of her heart (which had long since lost it's buoyancy). Yet, she was his wife! She could not let her guard down and admit this to the women she had sat beside for years in countless book group club discussions. She could barely admit to herself, yet alone her friends that her heart barely responded to him anymore. It would be a betrayal to him. He often wistfully spoke of having the time to white water raft, hike trails or even simply take quiet walks along country roads...and occassionally she complied with a walk, but was never quite comfortable with the silence, and she would always fill it up with chatter. Most often, when she would see him putting on his boots by the back door, she would kiss him lightly on the check, assuring him that she was only leaving to learn more about him, making sure her tattered copy of his autobiography was visible to him and out she went. How could he not be pleased?, she subconsciously and simultaneously asked & justified herself.

It had become the most predominate part of her relationship with him. Yet somewhere along her dutiful journey, she had not only lost herself, but the sense of adventure fueled by their love had faded and fizzled. She could barely come to admit it to herself, but this was not far and above what she imagined and what they had dreamed of together all those years ago.

Years continued to slip by without much change.

It was comfortable. It was what she had become accustomed too.

She thought of these things as she moved back and forth in her faded velvet green rocker. Her wrinkled hand patted the decaying book resting beside her on the mahogany table. She still did love that book, yet she left it be and slowly stood up to go over to where her husband sat waiting on the bench by his boots, and nodded 'yes' to the question he had in his crinkly, smile-worn eyes. The screen door opened, and out they went.

It was time to know him with her heart.

***

My friend, if you are still reading to this point, I can only surmise you have ample spare time and little good reading material around your home.

I am sure it was quite easy to pick up the correlation of wife/husband to Child of God/God.

For all my deep appreciation for the Bible, and the immense gift it is to us, in recent times I must be honest and admit to you the questions that have forced themselves on me:

Am I committed more to the Word of God than I am willing to follow it's Author?

Is my energy, effort and enthusiasm for an "agenda"

{which, really, who is truly willingly drawn to an agenda?}...or am I willing to risk and dive into a Divine Adventure?

Is my time free enough to where I can identify and carry out his 2 simple, but profound commands in the unique-to-me opportunities that He daily leads me to:

"The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy'. And here is the second: 'Love others as well as you love yourself'. There is no other commandment that ranks with these."

-Mark 12

I want to know his heart. Sure, it can most certainly be seen in His 'autobiography' and I am grateful that I have a copy and can know about Him through it.

Yet.

It is not enough.

It's time to know His heart. I want to clear the space, clean out the clutter and open the 'screen door' to walk out into the adventure He has me on.