Blog Hopping and the Voices in My Head.

11:51am. The beginning of nap/quiet time in my orbit.

There are about 2.2 million things on my 'to-do', of which I am eschewing in favor of satisfying creative hunger that makes me feel a little more human after I partake.

****

Today, I have to say that I am struggling with feeling quite insecure.

It is the kind of insecurity that anyone with the blended Sanguine/ Choleric temperament can relate with.

The primary goal for the Choleric is to have Control. For the Sanguine, it is all about Approval (I WILL charm your socks off! You've just gotta love me. How could you not?!).
Both of which feed off interactions and responses of an 'audience'. Socializing energizes those with one or both of these personality styles, while for the Melancholy (who deeply desires Perfection) and the Phlegmatic (please, just give me Peace and Space!!!), the thought of a 'wine and dine' event with perfect strangers sends reverting back into the fetal position. (ok, maybe not..but they would seriously rather have a root canal).

All combinations of personalities have elements that offer this world amazing contributions...and then aspects that are messy to live with, for themselves and for those that live with them.

Today, this is what my personality is telling me as I took a few moments to do something I rarely make time to do:  I blog-hopped.  From one to another to another and then that one too. For the most part, I was enthused. But then I started hearing this conversation start sifting through my subconscious as I was putting away my dishes (that looked cloudy and unclean despite two washings):

The Choleric part of me: You shouldn't even have a blog! Everyone and their mother {who is a mother, wife, friend, daughter, human} already has one and already writes the same things you do, except with more skill and eloquence. And they write daily. And have 6 million followers, probably because they speak at big fancy conferences, where they have a book table in the lobby with their books that sound a lot like the one you've thought of writing.  This is a competition and haven't even left the starting line. Silly little homemade blog!

The Sanguine Side of me: What a downer I am! Let's not dwell in such negative thinking! It's no fun at all! Look at the special friends you have met that you would not have had you no blog to speak of! Why don't you just look forward to that little blog makeover you scheduled last week! That will make you feel better. Let's see what's for lunch!
(It is  way too easy to distract a Sanguine).

This 'conversation' does not just occur where my blog is concerned. WHEN I LET IT, it whispers into other parts of my life...like when I erroneously spend too much time on a certain 'social network site' and I see people looking their best, having a ball weekend after weekend and i begin to feel like a haggard little housewife with no smart social life to speak of or judge my parenting against the mother who seems to balance consistancy, crafting and canning with absolute ease (even though I KNOW "she" wouldn't say it was 'easy'. My mind tends to automatically 'fill-in-the-blanks' for people when i have one-sided conversations with them in my head).

And now that you are ready to run to your nearest white-straight-jacket provider in pursuit of one for a little lady living in a virtual Coffee Cottage of sorts who hears voices in her head, I am going to sign off.

You see, I do know these whisperings are erroneous. They've been whispering, and at times, shouting my entire life. I could be wrong, but I tend to think we all have our own set of voices that tell us what our personalities are prone to easily accept as 'truth', when in fact, they are lies straight from the pit of H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. 

Here is to a refreshing afternoon coffee drink and a renewed mind!

Comments

Sarah said…
Jeane', thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for being so honest. I often feel like I am going straight to Crazy Town, when reality is like you have suggested- I am traveling towards Crazy Town when I entertain what is NOT TRUE for far too long.
And for the record, I am glad for MANY reasons that you have a blog- one of which being that I think I would never have the pleasure of meeting you without it.
written so well Jeane`....please don't let those little voices stop you from writing....whether it's via a blog or via a pen and paper or via a tape recorder! YOU have so much to offer and there are many around you who would shout a hardy AMEN to that!

i think it's odd too that i just typed out the same word this morning on my blog,(one of 2 million out there): APPROVAL.

read a quote this weekend~something like this, "the best way to get approval is to not need it..."

don't know if i'll ever get there, but i know freedom dwells nearby.

xoxo
Grace Remembers said…
Well, dear friend, once again we are on the same page. I agree and believe we all have those voices that constantly want to anchor us down to an earthly focus. I know I do and can relate to the shouting voices throughout my life.

When I read this I thought of a sermon my father gave in July when we visited his church to help celebrate his 40 years in the pastorate. His words challenged and encouraged me at just the right time. I'm going to attach it and hope you don't find me trying to "preach" at you. Rather, I know of no one who encouraged me better than my earthly father who has made it a habit to always turn my eyes back to the only real home, help and focus for this life. Of this message, I know you are already aware, but hope God will provide you some encouragement as He gave me through it. He gave the message to a man who I have seen struggle with the throws of wretched depression in his life and still find his joy in his loving creator. He also allowed this man to teach his daughter of Himself as she has struggled with similar issues.

I am refreshed by you and the honesty of your struggles. Although I greatly admire those in this world that seem to handle small and great mountains with a smile on their face and joy in their hearts, God has most often showed Himself to me through the broken vessels of this world. Those that speak of and show our human weakness and in return end up reflecting His greatness through it. If there is nothing to refine, than what is the refiner's fire for?

Here's the link:
http://www.howgoodisyourbalance.com/sermons/kbfc07_25_10.mp3

Thank you again friend!
Jeane' - wow, so well written, and I can identify so so much! It is ever so easy to play the comparison game, and to feel so inadequate and miserable next to people who SEEM (probably not reality though) to live these perfect lives! But YOU are the ONLY JEANE' - and you have something to offer that NO ONE ELSE does, simply because they're not you, and no one has your giftings/experience/children/husband. You have SO MUCH to offer, and please keep offering it!

I'm so glad to have found your blog. It really is one of several (including Janelle's!) that are my favorite. I don't have time for a lot of blog visitation, but yours is one where I'm ALWAYS refreshed, encouraged, humored, and feel normal! Thanks for your honesty, but please keep writing!! :))
love love
Kathelen said…
YOU are already amazing! Love the blog pic of your kiddos! And please don't compare your flaws to others' strengths. :) Now if I could just heed my own advice! Ha! And I'm not saying that your blog is your flaw! You know what I mean! And I just want to say that I adore your sense of humor. :) I really do wish we lived in the same town.
Michelle said…
I love you! And your writing. And your honesty. And your sanguineness. And your cholericness. And all your thoughts. I hate it when any side of my personality comes out and starts shouting at me in my head {the voices usually shout and don't normally whisper} {is that normal?} {maybe I should erase that...} because I choose to listen to the voices instead of that Still Small Voice that is the Lord's. That is the more important voice to listen to and to heed. Wouldn't it be just so nice if that Still Small Voice was the only one we ever heard? Maybe some day we'll learn to automatically ignore the loud false ones... Please don't stop writing. YOU have much to offer. Yes, others have much to off also. But yours is unique to YOU. And we all love YOU. Otherwise we woudn't take the time to write comments on your blog, or even take the time to read it. ;)
Anonymous said…
Not that this should be any kind of validation because you certainly work harder than I do, but I am a friend of Lindsay and Laurel and I work at the White House and I frequently read your blog with my colleagues and it always inspires us, encourages us, makes us laugh, think, reflect, or just take a brief, enjoyable break from the press of business. So don't let the voices get you down, you are impacting more people in more places than you know!
Rachel said…
two hands way up here.
or, did you not ask us to do that, and i just instinctively did because of how heartily i agree with what you have written here?
Jeane` said…
Oh, my friends! How kind are you! I must admit to being a tad bit embarrassed, as it truly did not occur to me at the time of writing, that waxing on about my insecurities would bring about such kind compliments. {I was not on the brink of closing down my blog}. However, I have chosen to quickly recover and am allowing my heart to truly be refreshed by your kindness!!!
Anonymous said…
jeane',
thank you SOOO MUCH for posting this blog! (i still haven't figured out how to "subscribe" to your blog, but) i read it as often as i can. today it was ESPECIALLY encouraging and probably GOD-inspired & providential for me!!!! i had a rough weekend with my own schizophrenic thoughts.... sometimes thinking i'm the only one almost losing it, so it's nice to know i'm not! thanks for being so honest & sharing, and for helping us all have some levity & encouragement in the Lord! :D
blessings!
allison ponsell
Terri said…
Good thoughts, Jeane...ones I think that are common to most women if we were to be honest with ourselves. So many of our experiences are similar, but each of us have our own ways with words and expressing them....making similar stories seem so different. If it takes a little cup of joe and a walk through the pages of your favorite blogs to renew and push you forward occasionally, then sit back and enjoy. You know where your Ultimate Worth comes from...but a little creative inspiration has it's benefits, too. You're blessed with a gift of words....feel freedom to use them to God's glory!
Jen said…
Blog hopping - it's a dangerous sport! I find, after looking at 14,000 blogs of people I don't know, I suddenly find that my house isn't decorated enough, I'm not dressed trendy enough, I'm not creative enough, I'm not busy enough, I'm not, enough. Quite deceptive voices it can cause. This world offers so many discontentment snares - even blog surfing can be one! Thank you for your insights that seem to be so universal amoung women. Keep sharing!
Rachel said…
whoa!!!
this makeover you just gave your blog is AWESOME!!
love it!!
Terri said…
Love your new look! CUTE!
IN.
LOVE.
WITH.
YOUR.
BLOG.

xoxoxoxoxo

my cheeks hurt from smiling the last 5 minutes staring at all the details.

love you!!!
Leanne O said…
I also add my "I'm with you there" vote. I like, "blog hopping is a dangerous sport". I too can let the devil feed me with a "not good enough attitude" if I do too much comparing. (Anybody else run across a sandy beach honeymoon type post and think, in the whiniest tune possible, "how come that's never me?") Anyway, I hope your coffee was mind clearing.

I saw the pictures of your DAY and could only shake my head in a feeling of mutal pain. I hope you don't see a bathroom like that in a long while. Hey, I can wish! Thanks for sharing those ones.

God bless, friend, I too am thankful we were able to "meet" because of the blog world.
Anonymous said…
Hello Jeane,

I love the new look for your blog, and I must also comment that I love your blog. I know what you mean about "comparing." I think we all suffer from feeling different about ourselves when we peek into the lives and situations of others. Though I often forget this, the truth is that we never really know what someone's situation is, so to think theirs is so much better than ours is often a mistake or misjudgement.

You write beautifully and your blog reflects you. Both you and your mom are sincere and quality people, and I can just tell this from your blogs. I am inspired by both of you, so know that at the Coffee Cottage, you're our celebrity and we adore you:)

Best,
Debi in MN

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