Dear Fear,

Dear Fear,

I must confront you, and call you by your name as you have become a near constant; an unwanted companion and life-stealing crony. I tire of you, even though I have a sick attachment to you, and even try to feed you just to shut you up, but just like a stray cat, it only causes you to linger longer. You turn my head and sway my heart away from the One who is Truth, who is REAL and who is LOVE. A Perfect Love that casts you out like a dog on the street.

We both know the nicknames I have developed for you, among them: "Concern", "proactive protection", "being smart" and the especially deceiving "discernment". I wish I would not turn to you so easily, and feel quite foolish looking at it, as I personally know the Opposite of you...and anyone who embraces the Opposite of you taps into endless vats of peace and security during stormy weather (and smooth sailing).

Last week, when my son said his neck hurt, you immediately whispered into my head that he probably has meningitis and that I should start putting together the collage of pictures for the memorial service. Then again last night as I lay in bed listening to my husband breathing peacefully, I gave you permission to skillfully fabricate a framework for the future that left my mind racing and my heart heavily chugging behind. Once again, you were a complete waste of time.

Fear, your evil Source is smart. He knows my strength, and manipulates it quite easily into the weakness it can so quickly become. You know what I am talking about. It's what allowed me 7 years of contented 'only child' existence (until my answered prayer (little sister) was born when I was 8). I didn't own a Barbie Dream House, but my parents had an overstuffed chair that I was able to effortlessly turn into one. I did not have ornate paper dolls, but that thick JCPenney's Catalog that held a 'Wedding Dress/Wedding Party Attire" section, provided hours of the best kind of cutting, arranging and imaging love triangles between the mulletted groom, the mermaid-dress bride and the teal puffy-sleeved bridesmaid.

We call it IMAGINATION.

It has been a blessing and a curse all my life. You, Fear, make it the curse.

With stealth like movement, you mobilize fearful "possibilities", creating grand-scale complex and heart-wrenching scenarios within seconds of the planted thought. You hover on stage right, observing as I move from living in what is actually present into your full-blown mock production, until I get lost in my 'character' and start living like I am really she. You are why that one night when when my husband was 15 minutes late for dinner, and the sirens were going off (and came to find out late his phone was on vibrate), that he had 35 missed calls on his phone and a wife who nearly fainted at the sight of 'the dead come to life' as he walked through the back door.

You make me out to be a fool and it infuriates me that I let you do that!!!!

You would think after years of the curtain coming down, and realizing that I am not on stage, and that I am not in control, I would smarten up.

Unfortunately, I am such a sheep:

a slow-to-learn creature with a great propensity for fretful forgetfulness.

Here is what I want:

To live thankful for each day, unwilling to take a moment for granted...

but on the flip side, I do not want to live under the "What's next?" cloud.

When whatever IS next, so will be the Source Opposite of you and if we take that source up on it's generous offer, we'll be given as much peace, strength and grace as we need to face what we face. A far cry from the same characteristics you brazenly suck from the life of the person who answers your knock and welcomes you right in.

I have moment-by-moment decisions to make. My brain is not held by puppet strings; I can allow or refuse admittance to your invitations to run on invisible tracks that only lead to sapped strength and somber overtones. I can choose to soak my mind on such things as:

"It ain't no use putting up your umbrella till it rains"

-Alice Caldwell Rice

***

"Sheep get anxious

when storms come,

Predators roar,

Or they're forced to move

to unfamiliar territory.

How do they handle such times?

By moving closer to the Shepherd"

***

"The Eternal God is your Refuge...and underneath

are the

Everlasting Arms".

-Deut. 33:27

***

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

-Phillipians 4:6-8

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes".

-Matthew 6:34

***

"Letting go is like releasing a tight spring at the core of yourself, one you've spent your whole life winding and maintaining. When you let go, you grow still and silent. You learn to sit among the cornstalks and wait with God (Sue Monk Kidd). I'm not good at releasing. I'm terrible at waiting. I'm even worse at trusting God for the 'big stuff'.

-Carol Kent, Tame Your Fears

***

You've had too much reign for much too long. It's not just you, though. It has some what to do with me being a control freak (realizing that I have none, and srambling to gain some), but mainly has to do with a woeful lack of trust in a God who has proven Himself over and over and over to me...as a worthy and competent protector of my family and refuge for my heart. He's propped me up and held me close more times than I can count, and yet...

Fear has quietly been allowed a place at the table of my mind.

For this moment, I am publicly declaring that I am removing the place settings,

even the chair.

For this moment.

Oh, you'll try to invite yourself back,

and I'll even let you start to pull up a chair.

Perhaps even feast a little.

(in like 5 minutes from now).

I just don't want you to be a regular.

Or even an occasional guest.

And I thought you should know that.

Farewell,

Jeane`