"Leave Me Alone" {& other good ideas}

I did what I've put off doing.

I did it because I met a woman (Fan) in flesh and blood who is ahead of me in life with a parenting and philosophy of parenting resonated deeply with what I aspire to. It was, and still is, my perception that mothers who read too many books tend to be easily depleted of confidence, constantly questioning their own God-given intuition regarding their child against the backdrop of idealistic ideas. When a parent operates with insecurities, the child quickly picks that up...and often times, it exacerbates whatever the issue was to an even greater extent. Thus, I seek out role models in my life (and I'm fortunate enough to have had a good mom, grandma's and women like Fan) to glean wisdom from.

Fan's copy was tattered from years of use, so I figured it must be worth the consideration.

And so two weeks ago, I did what I have never done before.

I bought my first book on parenting.

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 I am about to do something else I am quite reluctant about.

I am going to share a few excerpts. The dispensing of advice on how to raise children is one that I would rather not touch with a ten foot pole, given my age and lack of experience. That is not what I am doing, as I am sharing excerpts from a parent who is far older than I, and far more experienced. EVEN SO, I cringe at sharing these words for the reasons:

a.) They are only excerpts. There are paragraphs that come before and after that make greater sense of the big picture.

b.) I do not want anyone who visits my humble Coffee Cottage to think that what i share is what I set the bar in evaluating their parenting. To be frank, that is why 
 books (but not ALL such books) on parenting can make me roll my eyes. I do not know the authors personally and neither do they know my children personally. There is no quick path to even near-perfection found in the pages of any book. All families with children are so different, with myriad of ingredients that comprise the way things are carried out.

The author is a psychologist that was not exactly embraced by peers in his field during the 70's and 80's because he bucked new trends those in his field were preaching. From what I have read thus far, John Rosemond in "A Family of Value" does a good job of saying "Hey, we threw out the baby with the bathwater when we forsook the way parents raised their children in the WW2 generation and beyond. Sure, there were cases of horrible parenting then as there are now, but let's reconsider the good that came from generations before us." IT MAKES SENSE TO ME and has affirmed my instincts and illuminated the foggy corners in my understanding. With every chapter, the pages are increasingly touched with blue highlighter ink.

If you care to dig in a little, here are a few of my favorite excerpts (paired with pictures from an evening of worm digging by children who were happy to be doing so and a mother delighted to see their little hands and toes unafraid of the dirt of the earth!):

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"Grandma's advice reflected a body of traditional understanding that had been implicit to the rearing of American children since the Declaration of Independence. According to that paradigm, a parent's primary responsibility was seeing to it that his or her children were endowed with those traits of character that constituted a good citizenship: specifically, respect for persons in positions of legitimate authority; a willingness to accept responsibility for one's own social behavior as well as for assignment from authority figures; and resourcefulness, a hang-in-there, tough-it-out, try-and-again attitude towards the many challenges of life. Respect, Responsibility, Resourcefulness: I refer to these timeless values as the "Three R's" of child rearing. 

Respect was developed toward one's parents, whose responsibility it was to command (not demand) it be being authoritative models and directors of proper moral behavior.

Responsibility was learned through the doing of chores in and around the home. These acts were to be selfless; in other words, they were not compensated with money. The child was to do them because, and only because, he was a member of the family. As such, he shared in the family's work as well as it's bounty. Through the doing of chores, the child learned the value of contribution, a prime tenet of good citizenship. The child's contributions to the family uplifted him not only to his own value within the family, but also the value of the family to him. This sharing, this mutuality of value, bonded the child to the values that defined the family, thus forming a Family of Value.

Resourcefulness -- the ability to do a lot with relatively little- was neither earned nor learned, but rather brought forth. It is, after all, every child's nature to be resourceful. It is not human nature to be respectful or responsible, but resourcefulness is an entirely different matter. To bring forth the resourcefulness of a child, parent of not so long ago provided the child with everything he needed, along with a small-very small, in most cases-amount of what he wanted. In short, they said "no" more often then they said "yes". Thus, "creatively deprived," the child had to learn to solve problems on his own. He had to do his own homework, occupy himself, solve his own social conflicts, and so on. He had to invent solutions to problems in these areas because adults, for the most part, would not solve these problems for him.

 

"These were the standards of good child rearing. Parents were not measured by the grades their children earned in school. Everyone knew that a child possessed of the "Three R's" would do his or her best in school, and that was sufficient. Neither were the parents measured in terms of exhausted they made themselves in the course of driving their children from one after-school activity to another...."

 

"Today's mother...has been told she is a 'good mother' to the degree she pays attention to her children, does things for them, and gets "involved" in the things they do. This is the nouveau standard to which mothers aspire, and over which they compete for the Who's the Busiest (and therefore best) Mother on the Block Award. If Mrs. Jones is driving her kids to an after school activity every day of the week and on Saturday mornings and Mrs. Smith is only driving her kids to activities three afternoons a week, Mrs. Smith better get on the ball! Mrs. Jones is "out-mothering" her.

 

"Today's mother doesn't think she has permission to sternly tell her children they're "underfoot" and need to "leave her alone". She believes she is there to serve. Unfortunately, children aren't skilled at give and take. In fact, if you let them, they will do nothing but take. So, the more mom serves, the more of her they want for reasons that are increasingly whimsical. Finally, at the end of her physic tether, she begins ranting and raving. Then she feels guilty. And the only way to cleanse the guilt, of course, is to serve.

My mother was able to tell me  to leave her alone without ever raising her voice because she had no qualms about saying it. She said it "right off the bat," calmly, but sternly. I knew, therefore, she meant business. Mom knew full well that if she gave me an inch, I'd want a mile, so she didn't give me an inch. In effect, she let me know that she was my mother, but she was much, much more than just my mother. She was a student, an employee, a friend, and a member of a church. She was a daughter, a sister, and an aunt, and she was a person who liked to sew, garden, read, and listen to classical music. She had many interests and many responsibilities, and I had to respect that. She would be my mother when I needed a mother, and sometimes when i just wanted a mother or she just wanted to be one. But more often than not, I was to get along without her attention. I was to stand on my own two feet. Because she presented herself to me as a multifaceted, interesting human being, I developed great respect for her."

"An older woman approached me...said, "Now I understand why my daughter, whose thirty-five, single, and raising my only grandchild, will stand up to men in the workplace, but goes home in the evening and lets her five year old son push her around."

That little anecdote reeks with irony. Not only is the mother in the story a walking contradiction, but unbeknownst to her, she is inculcating into her son the one thing she has worked most of her adult life to overcome: the perception that women are weak and that their natural state is that of service to men. After all, if this five year old male child is allowed to push his mother around now, how will he ever learn to treat women with dignity and respect?".

I am done quoting now. Back to little 'ol me. 

As I have been empowered by the reading of thoughts that gave much insight and clarification to my own, I've been on the lookout for ways to set boundaries and subvert the demands (which, with five toddlers are sometimes so numerous I feel myself nearly going mad). Since my children are still quite young, and still relatively non-self sufficient, I look for ways to gradually instill a sense of 'do-it-yourself' into their very supervised every day lives.

Yesterday, after the two millionth request for water/lemonade/milk/chocolate milk, I fetched this water dispenser, filled it with lemonade, took what was left of the Costco animal crackers (which are quite tasty, by the way) along with a few cups. I set it out there and proclaimed that if anyone wants a drink or a snack, they are to come get it themselves. The snack was all the snack they could have. If it's not on the table, you may not have it. In other words, animal crackers or starvation until lunch (they always act like they are even if it's just an hour post-breakfast). 

Guess what? The children loved it. Yes, I still got the occasional request for something different, but i held my ground with great confidence.

It felt good.

I hope you are encouraged, as i have been in reading this gem. Like I said before, if you do not agree -or you find this completely inapplicable to you- that is completely fine. I have no desire to  put myself in a seat of judgement or make you see it my way. I am simply sharing a little part of what I am pursing in the parenting of my children...not yours! {i smile}.

Gotta dash...nap time is O.V.E.R!