The Onslaught

It kept coming.

The onslaught of news laced with

a depth of devastation that

was unimaginable.

...One little boy, whose face held traces of my own of the same age,

died in a 'freak household accident' over the weekend.

 ...A horrific house fire that left a woman that once had a bustling, vibrant household of 8 busy children, now without a home and 7 of her children.

....Then this morning, a quake and tsunami in Japan of magnificent proportion.

I felt like shaking my fists and yelling 'ENOUGH ALREADY'!!!!

(and it wasn't even happening to me)

Amidst processing and tearing up over these burdens,

I am holding my children closer, smothering them with kisses,

really looking at them. I breath prayers of gratitude as I'm moving mounds wet wash from washer to dryer, uttering thanks as I watch my children out the kitchen window playing without a care. They are healthy. And they are here.

This week, it has been made known to me what a fragile miracle this is.

YET AT THE VERY SAME TIME,

I am cursing under my breath*  as I had just finished cleaning up two colossal poopy diapers (apparently brothers that poop together, stay together), while keeping the children outside who wanted so badly to play there (it's called a door lock)and then realized that the one was at the door because she had soiled her panties/pants/socks in the grossest, runniest of ways as she was peddling on her pink Dora bike (bless her heart).   I hear myself thinking  "This is for the birds!!!".

(*oh yes, haven't I told you? Motherhood has turned me into a sailor of sorts. A silent sailor who occasionally-might-mouth-the-word-but-shouts-it-in-her-head type. Perhaps you aren't familiar with what I speak of, but come to my house and take over for a week, and then look me in the eye and tell me that the only expression that came to mind among the rabble was 'Golly Gee Whiz' and I'll give you a lollipop. That, and a small friendly slap across the face. I fully expect a call from my mother, gently suggesting I not publicly share this vice, but mom, no worries.  I still love Jesus. He still loves me. And we have an understanding or an 'arrangement' regarding these things. He gave me 5 children in 3.5 years (blessed be His name) and with that, a license to mentally use the language I need to go through the day without physically imploding).

I digress.

The thing is, there are these heartbreakingly devastating stories that have come into my awareness this week, and with them they bring tears. They can bring fear. Most of all, they bring heaviness to my heart. Instantly think upon hearing such things, I think ' Forgive me, God. I can NEVER complain/take for granted/ get exasperated at my children EVER again!!! How dare I?

AND YET

In this same week, the same eyes that cried tears for the mama who gave up one (or seven!) of her children to their Heavenly home...are the same ones still rolling when the little daily stressors of mothering stack up into a big, messy pile and come crumbling down. I get so disgusted with myself.

This life, and our responses to it, can be such a dichotomy.

The news feed of events not only around the world, but of happenings to acquaintances (and their acquaintances) is served up to us at a velocity never seen before. I'm still mulling over it, but I am not convinced we were made to ingest all that is dumped on the doorstep of our minds (via web, television, etc.). On the other hand, we are not to live with our heads in the sand. We are to bear one another's burdens.

But what happens when the burdens become so big, and so vast (world-wide), that you're job performance is affected? Is being paralyzed with fear or worry of 'is today my day to walk through the valley of the shadow of death??' a healthy side effect of burden-carrying?  How do you pray when a.) you do not even know the suffering personally? and b.) you haven't the slightest clue how to pray for them and c.) all the severity of a particular circumstance makes you secretly wonder if you could stay faithful to your Creator had it happened to you.

The very simple phrase that keeps coming to me as I mull over these heavy weights while washing dishes, clothes and tiny heineys is:

"Be Still and Know that I am God"

In other words (to me):

~ The mind of God is not something I will be able to understand at this side of Heaven.

I should not waste my time trying to fit my logic within His framework, and then blaming Him when it doesn't add up with my faulty line of it. STOP trying to figure Him out.

~ The Grace, Strength and Power one needs to survive tragedy is dispensed to them in the moment they need it. Not before. It is fruitless to try and prepare myself for 'the unknown' and try to control everything so that the odds are it won't happen...for it will. And when it does happen, THAT is when I will be given that which I could not include in my past imagining of what it would be like to walk through it.

~ Give the burden to Him. He can handle it. He knows and sees and cries over the personal hell His children are going through. Remember those individuals as you talk to Him about them, and take from their pain the truths He wants you to. When you personally know someone, or feel prompted even when you don't, lean into their pain. Do not pretend it is not there. Do not ask them what you can do. Simply do what HE tells you to, because He understands their pain better than even they do. (Besides, people in pain do not have the wherewithal to tell you what they need).  It probably will not make sense and possibly seem awkward. "I'm not sure I should do this" and "This seems awkward" are two classic trademarks when considering the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

~Live in the present, which is all you have been given. Be grateful. Love fully.

And remember, that no matter what happens...in the end, everything is gonna be alright.

Actually, much more than just 'alright'. It is going to be just perfect*.

~Just because my 'burdens' this particular day are not even within lightyears close to be 'tragic', they matter to God. He still cares. He has the ability to entertain all requests for all degrees of help - both the daily and the desperate kind - at the same time and with the same amount of loving attention.
That is astounding.

*The one train of thought I did not touch upon on this post, but will on the next is Heaven. I have revisited this transforming reality this week by way of a #1 New York Times Bestseller "Heaven is For Real" by Todd Burpo (an astoundingly gripping, hopeful book), and I am looking forward to sharing a little of my heart on it with you soon.

This 'journal entry' type post is already too long, and if you're still reading, I apologize! This is not a 'sermon' written to anyone, rather it is a pinning down and organization of thoughts for myself. I needed to read the thoughts buzzing all week in my brain, weed through what's worth keeping and dispense with the rest...and right or wrong, I did it on my blog. Thank you, a fellow burden bearer, for bearing with my ramblings.