The Speed of Motherhood
2006-2014 Early Motherhood : The Barge
If motherhood were a ship, in my experience the early years would be decidedly barge-like. Time was seamless, only broken up by the sun cresting over and hunkering down past the horizon during a twenty-four hour cycle. The beginning and end of school years were of another world, they made no difference in mind. Only the occasional, hard-earned milestone (sleeps all through the night/crawling/walking/talking/potty trained) afforded me the sensation we were moving. Otherwise, most days felt as though we were (barely) creeping along an ocean vast, going nowhere very fast. This is why it was difficult to compute all those sweet older-lady sentiments of "Enjoy these years, sweetheart! They go so fast!". I would wonder what kind of speedboat these women zipped through their beloved offspring's early years. Clearly, they clipped along far speedier than I was experiencing, never knowing the slow-moving nature of a barge such as mine. Or so I thought.
Fall 2014 The End of Early Motherhood : The Speedboat
And then August 23, 2014 came. I stood at my front door, watching as the majority of my people walked out the door to meet the smiling crossing guard at the corner (whose smile width was easily exceeded by my own), who ushered them and the cluster of their neighborhood friends up to school. And they stayed there allll the live.long.day. I was left with two twin boys approaching the ripe old age of five who generally play well together and the days became suddenly and significantly easier. I could not believe what what was happening. I putzed and puttered around, as a woman learning to walk again. I would look around my home, almost noticing it for the first time (and boy, was it beat up!). My breathing pattern started to regulate - until the children would walk back down the sidewalk, backpacks full of papers and little minds minding that so-and-so did or didn't play with them at recess. From 8:30-almost 4:00, my day was opened to me in brand new ways. From 4pm on, the demands came rushing in with a fury. It was downright disorienting. The first few weeks of the new school year, I realized began to see two things:
1. We are MOVING!!! Motherhood has shifted gears.This is no barge we are on, it never actually was. Nay, we are on board a speedboat gaining speed towards my children's adulthood, and OH MY GOSH, I need to get my SHIZ together because this is no joke. These are actual LIVES of small humans that are becoming unique INDIVIDUALS who I have been miraculously, undeservedly entrusted with. To dilly dally on deck is to put this ship at risk. With the fog of early motherhood lifted, the awareness of the speed at which we are going and the demand for intentional navigation was both stunning and sobering.
2. We are MOVING and also I now this new fangled thing called TIME I did not have before. Sure, I still have two at home, but from what what my normal once was (five-to-three-to-two at home) this new reality left me with far more daily breathing room and what I did with that "room" initially was a study in undisciplined time management. After a few weeks of slowed-down days and warped-speed evenings, it occurred to me I needed to get a grip. A big fat, get-off-my-ass grip that would allow me to have a better grasp of the wheel which stood before me, waiting for more inspired leadership.
It has been a truly a noticeable, paradoxical shift: The fleeting nature of mothering growing children and the space that school days gave to highlight this reality were realized all at once and I've been slowly walking out of the daze of it all.
I initially found myself staying in my bathrobe (consistently) much later than necessary, spending embarrassing amounts of time reading about other people's lives, staring at the reel of photographed highlights from other people's lives, sharing snippets of my own yet doing very, very little to show myself, my God and my family that I was taking it seriously. I had unknowingly stepped back into a fog of my own making.
It was time to push the pause button, step back, shut up and set up habits that would prepare me for this next stage. It is true that life is always changing and often times the change doesn't extend the courtesy of announcing itself and offering a list of helpful hints on how to navigate through it.
For me (and only for me), I knew I needed to do a few things.
One of those things was to step back from social media. All of it. It still amazes me that for more than thirty years, a smart phone and Facebook and Instagram had absolutely no place in my life and in a span of a few short years intertwined itself so deeply that it would become something I needed to detox from. I don't think it's all bad (at all) and I miss the interactions with my friends on it..and yet, ahhh....it's been good. No doubt those that rolled their eyes at my updates are enjoying the quiet from my quarters as well. I know my husband certainly enjoys me spending less time with "the other man" as he not-so-affectionately refers to my phone. I look forward to getting back on when I've got other areas of my life in order.
The silence has been healthy. The decluttering and open spaces are my offerings to God, as I know we both desire to be reaquainted with each other after months of noise-filled neglect. This "on pause" season I am in is done to provide space to establish habits that, with God's good grace, will enable me to better hear His wisdom and lean into His purposes and idea's both my family. There is no doubt that this is a once-and-done thing. Life will always have it's periods of taking pause, making changes, reestablishing habits. It's part of growing up and we'll only reach completion upon graduating into Heaven. And because of this out-of-control reality, I try not to put too much pressure on myself. I'm just learning as I go.
I am also learning the art of humility as "going to the gym" has one of these habits I am trying to get into. This is very hard and all the Kohl's workout shirts with athletic slogans emblazoned across the chest in the world does not a natural gym-goer make. I will share of my humiliation, but that will have to wait for another post as my little urchins are home from school and the day has decidedly shifted gears into full speed.
Cheers!
If motherhood were a ship, in my experience the early years would be decidedly barge-like. Time was seamless, only broken up by the sun cresting over and hunkering down past the horizon during a twenty-four hour cycle. The beginning and end of school years were of another world, they made no difference in mind. Only the occasional, hard-earned milestone (sleeps all through the night/crawling/walking/talking/potty trained) afforded me the sensation we were moving. Otherwise, most days felt as though we were (barely) creeping along an ocean vast, going nowhere very fast. This is why it was difficult to compute all those sweet older-lady sentiments of "Enjoy these years, sweetheart! They go so fast!". I would wonder what kind of speedboat these women zipped through their beloved offspring's early years. Clearly, they clipped along far speedier than I was experiencing, never knowing the slow-moving nature of a barge such as mine. Or so I thought.
Fall 2014 The End of Early Motherhood : The Speedboat
And then August 23, 2014 came. I stood at my front door, watching as the majority of my people walked out the door to meet the smiling crossing guard at the corner (whose smile width was easily exceeded by my own), who ushered them and the cluster of their neighborhood friends up to school. And they stayed there allll the live.long.day. I was left with two twin boys approaching the ripe old age of five who generally play well together and the days became suddenly and significantly easier. I could not believe what what was happening. I putzed and puttered around, as a woman learning to walk again. I would look around my home, almost noticing it for the first time (and boy, was it beat up!). My breathing pattern started to regulate - until the children would walk back down the sidewalk, backpacks full of papers and little minds minding that so-and-so did or didn't play with them at recess. From 8:30-almost 4:00, my day was opened to me in brand new ways. From 4pm on, the demands came rushing in with a fury. It was downright disorienting. The first few weeks of the new school year, I realized began to see two things:
1. We are MOVING!!! Motherhood has shifted gears.This is no barge we are on, it never actually was. Nay, we are on board a speedboat gaining speed towards my children's adulthood, and OH MY GOSH, I need to get my SHIZ together because this is no joke. These are actual LIVES of small humans that are becoming unique INDIVIDUALS who I have been miraculously, undeservedly entrusted with. To dilly dally on deck is to put this ship at risk. With the fog of early motherhood lifted, the awareness of the speed at which we are going and the demand for intentional navigation was both stunning and sobering.
2. We are MOVING and also I now this new fangled thing called TIME I did not have before. Sure, I still have two at home, but from what what my normal once was (five-to-three-to-two at home) this new reality left me with far more daily breathing room and what I did with that "room" initially was a study in undisciplined time management. After a few weeks of slowed-down days and warped-speed evenings, it occurred to me I needed to get a grip. A big fat, get-off-my-ass grip that would allow me to have a better grasp of the wheel which stood before me, waiting for more inspired leadership.
It has been a truly a noticeable, paradoxical shift: The fleeting nature of mothering growing children and the space that school days gave to highlight this reality were realized all at once and I've been slowly walking out of the daze of it all.
I initially found myself staying in my bathrobe (consistently) much later than necessary, spending embarrassing amounts of time reading about other people's lives, staring at the reel of photographed highlights from other people's lives, sharing snippets of my own yet doing very, very little to show myself, my God and my family that I was taking it seriously. I had unknowingly stepped back into a fog of my own making.
It was time to push the pause button, step back, shut up and set up habits that would prepare me for this next stage. It is true that life is always changing and often times the change doesn't extend the courtesy of announcing itself and offering a list of helpful hints on how to navigate through it.
For me (and only for me), I knew I needed to do a few things.
One of those things was to step back from social media. All of it. It still amazes me that for more than thirty years, a smart phone and Facebook and Instagram had absolutely no place in my life and in a span of a few short years intertwined itself so deeply that it would become something I needed to detox from. I don't think it's all bad (at all) and I miss the interactions with my friends on it..and yet, ahhh....it's been good. No doubt those that rolled their eyes at my updates are enjoying the quiet from my quarters as well. I know my husband certainly enjoys me spending less time with "the other man" as he not-so-affectionately refers to my phone. I look forward to getting back on when I've got other areas of my life in order.
The silence has been healthy. The decluttering and open spaces are my offerings to God, as I know we both desire to be reaquainted with each other after months of noise-filled neglect. This "on pause" season I am in is done to provide space to establish habits that, with God's good grace, will enable me to better hear His wisdom and lean into His purposes and idea's both my family. There is no doubt that this is a once-and-done thing. Life will always have it's periods of taking pause, making changes, reestablishing habits. It's part of growing up and we'll only reach completion upon graduating into Heaven. And because of this out-of-control reality, I try not to put too much pressure on myself. I'm just learning as I go.
I am also learning the art of humility as "going to the gym" has one of these habits I am trying to get into. This is very hard and all the Kohl's workout shirts with athletic slogans emblazoned across the chest in the world does not a natural gym-goer make. I will share of my humiliation, but that will have to wait for another post as my little urchins are home from school and the day has decidedly shifted gears into full speed.
Cheers!
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