Prioritizing The Dance.

Of all the relational roles that life and love have led me to, there is one that 

increasingly distinguishes itself as the one towards which the best of my energies and efforts should be directed. The health of many young lives who I have aided God in bringing into this world depend on it. It is the relationship in which the season of life I am knee-deep in is least conducive for the careful tending to and is in a prime position to be treated as an aside or, at best, a special-event-only acknowledgement of. 

It is amazing that any two imperfect individuals can grow a love that lasts to the grave.

And even those who take time to wisely consider whom they will vow "for better or worse" to, there are no guarantees that either spouse will remain committed to those words. I have been privy to so many sad and very complicated situations that leave me further convinced that a good marriage is a blend of hard work, small miracles and vats of grace that both partners must be willing to draw from frequently (for themselves and their partner).

I am sobered as I review my commitment to the role I am resolved to hold higher than motherhood. I am circumspect as I consider that my children whom I love deeply are here in our home now, but will not always be. I consider the many studies that suggest the prime environment for a child to grow into a healthy adult is one in which the love affair between their father and mother isn't a muted after-thought, with the only glimpses found in an occasional peck on the cheek. 

With the spectacular devastation in the landscape of marriage in America, being in my late-thirties and a mom of a few young children does not excuse me to put the role of "wife" on the top shelf to be pulled down in eighteen years, not to mention that our time here is not guaranteed. 

I married a man with a young son, both who had born the grief of a fractured family. I came into the relationship with rose-colored shades and naive expectations the size of Texas. He puts the stub in stubborn and I have a will that has the same properties of steel. He mulls and stews, I fume and fuss. One of the reasons I fell in love with him is because he wouldn't let me walk all over him. I still sincerely appreciate this strength, but it also is, at times, the bane of my existence. In other words, we are two very different, very different flawed humans. 

 Our marriage is still young and we are still learning. We love gleaning from couples we know who have made it to the other side of many hard things. That is our preferred way of learning. There is also value in reading solid advice in books by people whose marriage has stood the test of time and tribulation. We have both discovered a book that is making a big impact on our view of marriage. See the end of this post for an excerpt. 

In gleaning from others, whether up close or from a distance, whether in real life or by way of book or blog, I think for all the good that can come from being open to learning, there is a danger in assuming a "one size fits all" approach to marriage improvement. No one has exactly the same dynamics, financial scenario or life circumstance as we do. For instance, I have heard of a couple who does "date night",every Friday night, come hell or high water and they publicly extol the virtue of their (truly honorable) commitment to that. The thought is greatly appealing to me. The truth is though, we are not be in a financial place to go out/hire childcare, nor with Curt's travel schedule, the energy to make it happen so consistently. So we must customize our commitment, which greatly helps to alleviate that dastardly expectation exponent of a relationship. 

The temptation in writing in a blog is to have a neat, pat answer in summary to the thoughts laid out in previous paragraphs. I do not have those. Life is a dance, and I know that I am one of the fortunate ones that has a spouse who DESIRES to "step in time" with me. This is not something I take for granted in the slightest, and I stand in awe of the women who have no choice but to focus solely on themselves and God for fulfillment that their marriage is too currently fractured to make possible. Life is dance, and it is both messy and beautiful and oftentimes impossible to keep in between the lines. 

However faltering our feet and ungraceful our movements, no matter how alive, confused or numb we feel, we must be careful to listen. The Orchestrator of our lives has the score in front of Him and knows that the music often sounds out of tune and our feet out of step. Through the pain and glory, it's the steadiness of my gaze on the One who truly know the score, that gives my partner and I the best chance to go out dancing....

"The Meaning of Marriage" by Timothy and Kathy Keller is one of our favorites. It is plain-spoken, factual and smart. One of many sections that stood out to both of us was this:

"There is one very implication of this principle of marriage-as-friendship. If you see your spouse as mainly a sexual partner or financial partner, you will find that you will need pursuits outside of marriage to really engage your whole soul. In that case, children, parents, career, political or social activism, hobbies or a network of close friends--one or more of these things--will capture your imagination, provide joy and meaning, and absorb emotional energy more than your marriage. And that will be deadly. Your marriage will slowly die if your spouse senses that he or she is not the first priority in your life. But only if your spouse is not just your lover and financial partner but your best friend is it possible for your marriage to be your most important and fulfilling relationship. 

In Ephesians 5, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24--namely, that when a man marries, he "leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife". Western people are not shocked when they read this command, but they should be. Think of the historical and social context of this statement. Ancient cultures put enormous emphasis on the parent-child relationship. Pleasing your parents, being faithful to the wishes of your parents, was all important. In more traditional cultures even today, parents and grandparents are given great authority and children are expected to heed their parent's wishes above all other requests. And there is a certain warrant for this kind of respect. By the time you are a young adult, you should be willing to admit that the single relationship that has most shaped who you are--for good and ill--is your relationship to your parents. You wouldn't be alive without them, and all but a few parents have made enormous sacrifices for the well-being of their children. 

And yet right in the midst of these patriarchal cultures, and in the face of these realities, God says, "I didn't put a parent and child in the Garden. I put a husband and wife. When you marry your spouse, that must supersede all other relationships, even the parental relationship. Your spouse and your marriage must be the number one priority in your life."

Your marriage must be more important to you than anything else. No other human being should get more of your love, energy, industry, and commitment than your spouse. God asks that a man leave his father and mother, as powerful as that relationship might have been, to forge a new unison that must be an even more important and powerful force in his life."