Deeply Breathing

Some nights, wait, no. Let me start over. Many nights, when the lights of the little darling's room are turned out, and in the subsequent moments when I still hear the rattling of wrestling matches or verbal debates, my instinct is to yell loudly "FOR THE LOVE, JUST SHUUUUUUUTTTTT THE HECK UP ALREADY!!!". I don't usually, unless a little shock-an-awe maneuver is necessary.

The past twenty-four hours I have hit my max with information and activity overload.
Every part of my being is invisibly waving my arms, jumping up and down and shouting "JUST SHUT UP!!!!!".

Information overload
The overwhelming amounts of opinions, objections, subtle self-promotion, who's trending, who's spending, pins, tweets, twerks, twits and whatever other junk is stewing and causing steam on the internet has brought me to the brink of combustion. My brain is so cluttered with this crap, with the concerns of culture that seem to be flamed by web-hosted "riots", these volatile threads of conservations typed out by fingers who feel safe to spew forth from the comfort and anonymity of their couches. I've been trying to avoid participation-by-reading, but that is getting harder by the day. The trickle of needless knowledge has become a raging river, and only because I've given it permission to. I am not a victim to what I allow myself to spend time reading. I can say no, and so I am.

Activity overload
As a family, we are involved in so little. As in, barely anything, really. We aim to make it to church on the Sundays we can, and my husband insist our children know how to swim, so we've been doing lessons at the local rec center. Sunday school, elementary school and an occasional swim lesson, that is ALL. Even JUST those things are feeling too much to handle some days. There is travel that my husband does for work and there is the unburdensome (and from-home) tending to the project that gives me reminder that I'm more than the roles I carry out. Outside of that, there are countless opportunities that are good, even great, things for any one of our members. YET. Good things aren't necessarily the best things. My threshold for activity AND remaining a loving, aware lover and mother is low. I cannot be going two-thousand miles an hour, running to various and sundry fun/good/worthwhile things and still feel like a focused woman, building a solid family. I am not a victim to a culture that embraces "doing it all". I can say "no".

And so.

And so I have made the choice to do whatever it takes to clear the air in the space I am in. I need to breathe, and not shallowly. I want to breath deeply the life we are living. I want to absorb the colors of fall, catch my children's quirks and calmly say "thank you, but no...we need to have dinner together because some day my children will find greater comfort in being part of family that spent time living together, then one that spent their childhood commuting to separate activities together". I won't say that, of course, yet writing it feels so good, so right.

For those reading this, your threshold might be a lot higher than mine and your ability to intake and discard information much more fine-tuned than mine. Wherever you fall, I hope that both you and I can find a place to "breathe", and not just in rapid, shallow pattern. I pray we can find the discipline, the wisdom and the perseverance to reclaim what has been taken from the opposite of all those virtues and breathe in deeply the simple, good things found at the core of living.

Disclaimer: This is not a blog. It is, but it isn't. It's more of a journal. I write for me, for cheap therapy as I say. This is not a subliminal message of judgment, but an honest (and very quick) writing out of where I am at this very moment, not where I expect anyone else should be.


Laura said…
Amen!!! Thank you! Each family is different and their ability to juggle the extras is different. I hate how in today's society, we judge how well our children are socially adjusted by how many activities they are in....when, as you said, in the future, what they will really remember is the times at home, surrounded by their family.
debi said…
Praying for you to find peace and calm in the midst.

Anna Urquhart said…
I am with you, dear Jeane. Our family does church on a Sunday morning. The rest of the week is life lived at home and school. It is what we can manage and I'm coming to terms with the idea that the extras and just that: extra. What is essential is our time spent together. My prayers go with you as you navigate your life's (over)flow.
"I want to breath deeply the life we are living... and calmly say "thank you, but no...we need to have dinner together because some day my children will find greater comfort in being part of family that spent time living together, then one that spent their childhood commuting to separate activities together".

I LOVE this!! We are there, too - not infrequently feeling the guilt of peer pressure and missed "opportunities" but could not - WOULD not - do it any other way. Thanks for voicing your feelings!

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