The Other Mom
The older I grow, the more concepts I get.
The phrases I once heard coming out of my mother's mouth have made their way back to the future and are now coming out of mine. It was just yesterday I saw an eye-roll coming from the daughter who they say looks just like me and in that moment I heard my mother say "what goes around, comes around". Indeed, I have come full circle, but now the circle(s) are my daughter's eyes and I'm watching them circulate in annoyance. Payback is a--well, you know.
It is now I realize that all those times my mother said things such as, "Well, Judy Goodhart would never let her daughter wear a skirt that short!" were really not so much for ME as they were for HER.
There were a host of other women who parented similarly to my mother who she drew upon as her band of reinforcements. She always drew upon the mother's of girls who I thought where cool, because she was smart that way. My eyes forever rolled at the (incorrect) notion that she was trying to chip at my resistance, but now I see she was simply drawing on the strength of her people who were, like her, doing the best they could for the children they loved.
Moms need each other. This is why honesty between women who trust each other is gold. The value that comes from shoring up our defenses as we parent our precious children who don't know any better and who will immediately assume that they have it the worst among children when the law is laid down is priceless.
Just Saturday my friend Heather posted on Facebook "Isn't one Easter Egg Hunt enough? What has happened here?".
Since we're both new Voxer users, I sent her verbal permission to use me as "the other mom who doesn't do multiple Easter egg hunts". This does not mean we must do all other things exactly the same, but when a distress signal (faint though it may be) is sent out, it is beautifully empowering to have other mama's who "get it" come and stand behind. especially during years when we'll second guess ourselves over and over.
We all parent differently because none of us have the exactly same set of children and scenarios. While it's probably pretty important not to get stuck in a rigid encampment of "we would never" (as children have a way of toppling over various stalwart declarations), it is even more important to link arms with those who approach parenting in a similar way, to be honest with them and say "have I ever...(struggled/work through/dealt with)!" and to give each other permission to use the other as an example, should we feel reinforcement is required.
I am bracing myself for many more eye rolls (if this is payback, I'm only at the very beginning of years of such) and I am prepared to be wrong more times than I am right. Still, I'm banking on deep vats of God's grace, moments of miraculous Divine wisdom, all with a little help from my mom friends who will volunteer their services as the "other mother", as I will mine.
We all need the other mother.
The phrases I once heard coming out of my mother's mouth have made their way back to the future and are now coming out of mine. It was just yesterday I saw an eye-roll coming from the daughter who they say looks just like me and in that moment I heard my mother say "what goes around, comes around". Indeed, I have come full circle, but now the circle(s) are my daughter's eyes and I'm watching them circulate in annoyance. Payback is a--well, you know.
It is now I realize that all those times my mother said things such as, "Well, Judy Goodhart would never let her daughter wear a skirt that short!" were really not so much for ME as they were for HER.
There were a host of other women who parented similarly to my mother who she drew upon as her band of reinforcements. She always drew upon the mother's of girls who I thought where cool, because she was smart that way. My eyes forever rolled at the (incorrect) notion that she was trying to chip at my resistance, but now I see she was simply drawing on the strength of her people who were, like her, doing the best they could for the children they loved.
Moms need each other. This is why honesty between women who trust each other is gold. The value that comes from shoring up our defenses as we parent our precious children who don't know any better and who will immediately assume that they have it the worst among children when the law is laid down is priceless.
Just Saturday my friend Heather posted on Facebook "Isn't one Easter Egg Hunt enough? What has happened here?".
Since we're both new Voxer users, I sent her verbal permission to use me as "the other mom who doesn't do multiple Easter egg hunts". This does not mean we must do all other things exactly the same, but when a distress signal (faint though it may be) is sent out, it is beautifully empowering to have other mama's who "get it" come and stand behind. especially during years when we'll second guess ourselves over and over.
We all parent differently because none of us have the exactly same set of children and scenarios. While it's probably pretty important not to get stuck in a rigid encampment of "we would never" (as children have a way of toppling over various stalwart declarations), it is even more important to link arms with those who approach parenting in a similar way, to be honest with them and say "have I ever...(struggled/work through/dealt with)!" and to give each other permission to use the other as an example, should we feel reinforcement is required.
I am bracing myself for many more eye rolls (if this is payback, I'm only at the very beginning of years of such) and I am prepared to be wrong more times than I am right. Still, I'm banking on deep vats of God's grace, moments of miraculous Divine wisdom, all with a little help from my mom friends who will volunteer their services as the "other mother", as I will mine.
We all need the other mother.
Comments
Thanks for sharing another well written post from your heart.
You must be a sigh of relief to other young Moms that read your blog.... "oh, it's not just me!"
Hugs!