Olaf (and The Whispering Voices I Hear In My Head)

Last night she came into my room, way past when I thought the restless natives had FINALLY found rest. She had a Junie B. book in one hand and a cardboard cutout of Frozen's summer-loving snowman, Olaf, in the other, a leftover decoration salvaged from a recent birthday party.

"I can't sleep, Mom. Olaf's just really freaking me out,"

"Well, that's easy. Hand him over and DO NOT GET OUT OF BED AGAIN". 

He flashed me a toothy smile as I promptly folded him in half and stuck him under my bed to mingle with a crowd of smelly assortment of mismatched slippers and dusty bunnies congregating around them.

The bedtime excuses keep getting more creative, I thought..and ridiculous. Scared by a cardboard cutout of a compassionate, one-toothed snowman? I shook my head and then resumed watching the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon YouTube clip on my Nook (which, by the way, I have heard is actually a device to read BOOKS on. Imagine that!).

***

A few hours before my interrupted Mid-Evening with Jimmy Fallon, there was the refreshing conversation I had over coffee in my kitchen with a fabulous woman I once went through high school with, approximately two lifetime's ago. She spoke honestly of the hesitation that comes at the thought of connecting with old high school friends. The prospect of meeting with those who knew you before life chiseled you raises the sneaky voice of fear that says "I hope they don't think I am the same person I was then and can see past what I was to what I am now". I assured her I was well-acquainted with that voice. Well, that one-- and a few others.

As I am growing up, I find myself more comfortable in my own skin, aware of my limitations and not afraid to say "No, I can't". I've long since abandoned the idea of doing it all and it's been humbling to see that in seasons such as the one I am in, I cannot even do "most". There are plenty of people that can run circles around me, and I'm learning that I don't have to beat myself up to join in and keep up.

Yet in the things I AM good at and in the spaces I feel a nudge/calling/sense of purpose, I find that this is where the whispers resonate the loudest as they restrain me from stepping out and tossing my hat in to the adventure God has uniquely designed me for. These whispers could also be called assumptions, for they are a collection of perceived ideas of what certain people think of me- and these aren't even people that I live in daily contact with. Aside from being self-centered (no one is actually even thinking about me), and based on foundless feelings (no facts found here!), the idea that I am staying stationary or even stepping back on the plans God might have for me due to an invisible choir whisper-singing my insecurities is ridiculous!

Almost as ridiculous of being freaked out by a cardboard snowman with friendly facial features. 

***

The bottom line truth is that I can be all the things my insecurities tell me I am. And worse. It's also true that my instincts are not naturally pretty, but rather effortlessly ugly. It could all be quite a depressing quagmire to be in, save the fact that there is a way out of myself, while still being me. It's a daily, often momentary choice, that has to happen in order to live life, and live it to it's fullest.

{As I lay down these words, I am wishing that application were as easy as typing.}

It is time for me to stop turning away from the shadowy voices, and tuning into one strong Voice that tells me all the GOOD THINGS I want to be are found in God and freely given/applied/extended to me for the taking, but it is a shared effort. I cannot take the credit, yet neither do I have to condemn myself for not having the resources on my own either.  The whisper that is True is the one that is saying "I have something up my sleeve for you, and I hope you'll accept the challenge even though you aren't sure what it is. Ignore the whispering chants that tell you what people will think, keeping your stuck in your insecurities, because this isn't about them..or you. This is about US. I want to do this thing, and I've had you in mind ever since I designed you for it. I would be so sad to see you miss out."

And so, yet again, I remind myself that instead of being freaked out by the whispers, I need to fold them in half and tuck them under the folds of His goodness applied to me and let them there. 

That's easy!
(Ok, no it's not). 
(At all).
(And that's actually what keeps our dependence in-tact and our pride all melty, as it should be when we are in a partnership, right?)