A Whole New World

 

 

In the course of the last seven years, the past four days have been huge. HUGE, I tell you.

Times are a'changing

 

 

Let me give you a little teensy timeline to give context for what I am about to admit:

 

 

July 2006 I give birth to a son.

 

June 2007 I give birth to a daughter.

 

September 2008 I give birth to another daughter.

 

October 2009 I give birth to identical twin boys.

 

November 2009 we move to a new old house.

Somewhere in 2011: I come to realize that where ever we all are, there will be lots of noise, (sometimes) happy chaos and constant adventure. We are not a quiet family. At all. EVER. (except maybe at 1am, when we are all in deep stages of REM).

 

Somewhere in the late spring of 2012 the death of afternoon sleeping naps occurs. I mourn and try to move on.

 

September 2012 Half-day kindergarten begins and I experience mornings that go by at warp speed. There was only the slightest shift to "normal" and involved being always 2 minutes late for lunchtime pick-up when we live one block away.

 

Summer 2013 is noted as the Summer I Nearly Lost My Ever-Loving Mind and I'm not sure why it was (traveling husband? specific ages of children? me getting older?), but it was. You want to know how many families we had for cook-outs and friends I hosted for parties during this time? Zero. Can you guess how many times I told my husband I don't know how much longer I can keep going at this pace? I do not have the exact number, but I would say it's higher than you guessed. Would you believe I breathed many prayers of apology for muttering under my breath (out of hearing range) that my "job" was for the freakin' birds (when so many dear women long, pine and weep for just ONE child to call their own)? You surely should, for I did. Would you like to know how many fruits and vegetables I canned/froze/pureed/made into jam? Simply subtract zero from zero and you have your answer. And even with a complete lack of domestic productivity, Christian hospitality and many other things I think many other women can do...

 





I. Was. So. Tired.

 

Jesus heard my calls from help, and He helped me through, but He didn't bring me a nanny. He didn't make me extraordinarily patient. But He DID bring us to the end of August 2013 and the promise of a change of season in which I might, just might, be able to breathe.

 

The first day of school came and for the first time, two of my offspring were on their way for a full school day:

 

After suggesting they put their arms around each other for a nice back to school photo: "He's choking me! He's choking me!"

 

It was Monday morning. We were down to three...my three busiest. It was different, even more manageable. I read of many of the really good mama's I know describing tears and loneliness now that school had started. I struggled to remember a misting settling over my pupils as I watched them walk to school and I thought maybe it would happen the next day when my darling (threechildreninone) child would go to her two-day-a-week FULL day preschool at a local private school.

 

 

Tuesday morning dawned bright and early. This little cutie went off to school, pleased as punch. My generous and loving mom watch my twins for the day as she normally does on Tuesdays...

 

 

 

The house was eerily quiet and still. My Coffee Mate asked me to come pour some hot from her 12 cup pot and when I took that first sip in the stillness is when it really hit me.

 

 

I was overcome.

 

 

....sans tears (except maybe a few from the overflow of joy).

 

I was not one who was at a loss of what to do. There's been a growing list of possibilities since 2006 and I dove headlong into it, with the sense that I could probably do just about anything in all the world. So I visited a super-awesome bunch of women for a little bit and then I came home and attacked the weeds that had overtaken our beds. It was AMAZING.

 

I am not one to easily feel "guilty" about things, but throughout the day I couldn't help but psycho-analyze myself and in doing so, dealt with a smattering of guilt that I was enjoying this quiet and ability to move about (even take three steps without being asked for something!) our home. It mildly concerned me that there was no moisture in my eyes, no lump in my throat, because those emotions seem like a natural thing for a nurturing mama to feel. It is a good and beautiful thing to enjoy children, to become emotional at their growing up and changing. It truly, truly is. Yet all of our circumstances are unique. The dynamics of our daily family life--not to mention the dynamics of our own PERSONALITIES-- all have their struggles at times, yet are so intricately different that it is unfair compare our responses to life.

 

For me, it was as if I had been furiously doggy paddling with a posse of close-in-age children for over six years, faster and faster as time went on, generally feeling like I could be pulled under for good at any moment. And then. And then....a beautiful, glorious raft called "education" was thrown out to me and I have the opportunity to start breathing regularly and seeing my life for what it is: amazing.

 

The morning the twins and my middle child left for the day, I had a half hour with the two first graders and while this may not seem unusual for most, for me it was remarkable:

 

WE PLAYED BINGO. BEFORE SCHOOL. JUST ME, SHE AND HE.

And it was amazing.

I completely reveled in it.

I could focus on two without distractions from three more.

 

 

 

Then again this morning, the little middle went to Pre-K and it was just the twins and I. We played BINGO (obviously the game of the moment here in this house) and I feel this sense of joy that this year I will have days in which I get to SEE JUST THEM and come to know them better.

 

 

 

 

 

Life with my children has been, save for stolen moments here and there, experienced in bulk. It is now, as they begin spending some time in school, that I am able to catch my breath and be strategic in spending consistent time with them as individuals. In the words of Jasmine, it is a whole new world. It has breathed life and possibility into this new stage of motherhood.

 

 

 

My eyes might be dry, but my heart is renewed with hope

and I might be an ok-mom after all.

 

 

 

 

Whether dry-eyed or emotional at the change in season, whether you have one or eighteen children or none (and are thrilled the onslaught of back-to-school pictures are over),  I lift my afternoon cup of joe to you, my friends. I leave you with the song that has been on auto-play in my head since Tuesday.