Doing Less (So they can be more!)

I've been contemplating.

 Should I be DOING MORE for the children? 

I was not questioning this out of guilt so much as an effort to look beyond the countless demands of the moment to consider what end results I want for my children when they someday will leave the sphere of my close influence (this home). The truth is, from sun up 'til sun down I am constantly besieged with requests, many of which do need my attention because they are too little to do it themselves. But then there are plenty of others that I often put the duty of fulfilling back on them (ie: getting themselves a drink, fetching something or other, making a tent) because it getting simply too much combined with everything else in running a household of eight people.

If you want to read on, I am going to share a few quotes that can be applied to the idea of the benefits of DOING LESS for our children, from a parenting book recommended to me by an admirable woman. I've shared bits of it before here at the Coffee Cottage. The words come from the book "A Family of Value" by John Rosemond. Honestly, I haven't read every word, cover to cover. I've read a majority of it, and what I've read, make sense. (Disclaimer: This is important. I realize this approach is not the way to go for ALL children. Those adopted out of neglect or abuse or children those born with needs greater than others would NOT thrive if their parents employed this mindset. I share this with relatively healthy, well-adjusted children in mind and a huge admiration for those amazing parents who love on those who would not fit in this category).

Not only am I going to dispense someone else's wisdom for free, I am accompanying them by idyllic scenes of children playing in their make-shift band. Independently. Creatively. Harmoniously. It'll make you want to hire me for consulting services.

"Moooooooooooooooom!!!! She's in my chair!"

"In 1776 Thomas Jefferson told American's that it was impossible to make someone happy. He wrote, in the Declaration of Independence, that all men, created equal, were entitled to three inalienable rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Jefferson was a very wise man. He understood that people could be guaranteed the right to pursue happiness, but could not, under any circumstances, be guaranteed it's attainment. In fact, reading between Jefferson's lines, it follows that if someone tries to make someone else happy, they unwittingly disable that person's ability to engage successfully in the pursuit. One predictable outcome, therefore, of the self-esteem paradigm is a nation of children who cannot seem to make themselves happy. And that, indeed, is what I hear and witness. Teachers tell me kids come to school expecting to be entertained, and act defeated when a problem frustrates them. Parents tell me their children can't occupy themselves, are demanding, and whine a lot."

"He hit me with his (drum) stick!!!!"

"Grandparents and Great-Grandparents have told me children didn't use to whine much. Furthermore, they occupied themselves. Teachers who began their careers in the '50's and early 60's have told me that back then, children stuck with difficult problems until they solved them. No mystery to any of this. It's a simple fact: The more parents do for and pay attention to children, the more children whine. Likewise, children who are expected to do for themselves and be responsible members of their families, aren't likely to be whiners."

(Blog Authors Note: All my children whine at times. I have one, however, who is effortlessly head and shoulders above her siblings in that category. She could win national awards for it.This is one of my chief -and challenging- goals to reduce levels of).

"As self-esteem became the "stuff" of child rearing, the American family turned inside up, upside down, and backward. Today, children sit center stage, and parents orbit around them, tending to their "needs". Parents fuss over their children, parade their children's accomplishments in front of everyone who will listen, serve their children and then! And then they expect their children to be well-behaved and are amazed when they're not."

The yellow plastic chair: The "must have" toy of the moment.

"In a child-centered family (as opposed to a marriage-centered one, italics mine), parents expect  a lot of themselves and their children expect a lot of them. Child-centered parents always act as if their first order of business is to do for their kids. And the more they do, the more the children want them to do, demand they do, whine for them to do. And the more the parents do, the less obedient, cooperative, responsible, achieving, and self-reliant the children are. It's quite simple, really. The more parents do for kids, the less kids do for themselves and the less they do for their families. You want a  child to be a "jewel in the crown" of your family? Don't do a lot for your child."

Yikes! As I am copying these words out of the book to my left, they are starkly old-fashioned.  Yet, they resonate with me. Doing less for my children in the ways that I can for their age (not talking basic needs here), so they can do more. Like all good things, this takes work, perseverance and consistency, because sometimes it's just darn easier to do it for them and get them off your back, so to speak. We spend so much of their earliest years rightfully doing everything for them, that it takes a while for them to understand that they need to start doing some things for themselves (and then you have those children who INSIST on doing EVERYTHING by themselves, and will sneakily go about doing so after you've said 'no'. I've got me one of those too).


This  might not resonate with you. And that is A-ok by me! You can move along and find plenty of other women, who author bigger, better blogs than mine that will back up your way of thinking...and I say "wonderful!". Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me! (And let their be less whiny brats on this earth, and let it begin with mine! So help me God.)

***

We have our family pictures scheduled to be taken on Sunday by a marvelous & talented friend. I am not a (hard) drinkin' woman, but for this "special occasion"  I have a box of Jack Daniels ready to go for afterwards.  As for the children, I would consider making up cold-symptoms in order to justify mass-consumption of teaspoons of Benedryl, but I prefer them to be in a non-comatose state when our friends and family open our Christmas cards in December.
Wish me well!

Wishing you a weekend with restorative moments that refresh your spirit! Thank you so much for visiting with me this week.